One of my favorite blogs to read daily is Becky from Mrs. to Mama and I saw that she was starting a new link up called Women Connect '12. I have met a few people from blogs and actually met one in person and really enjoyed it. I would love to connect with more women that have some of the same things going on in their lives. I am a brand new mama to a sweet baby girl. Becky wants us to write about something real to us, possibly something we are struggling with. Since I am a new mom I should be able to think of a lot right? The first thing that came to mind was being a stay at home mom.
All of my life when you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up..I always wanted to be a Mama. I never really dreamed about a career..yes I went to college and got a degree but I really think it was because it was what was expected and of course to have fun right?? I knew deep down that I was meant to be a Mama...and a very involved one at that. Don't get me wrong, I know very involved mom's who have a career but that isn't what I wanted. I want to be that "soccer mom" carrying around everyone's kids to places!
Wes and I have always talked about me staying at home when we had kids, he knows that's what I want and he wants that too. I always said we could just sacrifice a lot to be able to stay at home. Well, life isn't working out the way we planned. We have a perfect baby and I have to work! We just cant afford me not working right now and I hate it so much. I have been back to work for two weeks now and still find myself crying at random times thinking about leaving my baby girl, even if we are lucky enough to have a relative stay with her at our house for a while....it isn't me! Wes says I have separation anxiety like our dog Gracie! He just doesn't understand I guess!
What makes it even worse is that everyone I know that just had a baby is able to stay at home. (my cousin,Wes's cousin, my bff, my sister's bff, and so many others) Don't get me wrong..I am very happy for them but it kills me to know they are able to do it and not me. I hate to be a jealous person..but I am when it comes to that. I know they get to watch their babies grow every second..I mean what if Paige rolled over the first time and I have to hear about it from someone else??? (and yes tears are rolling down my face as I type this..ugh emotional!)
Wes keeps saying once we get a few more things paid off then I will be able to stay at home. I know we could have waited another year or two to have a baby and things could have been different..but what if they weren't? What if I waited until the truck and other things were paid off and then had a baby..who's to say we would be able to do things differently? I knew we were ready to have a baby when we did...I mean it happened so quickly..the timing must have been right!
Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier with time..and maybe they are right. But do I really want it to be easier? Then I would feel guilty that I am not upset about not spending my time with her?? See one of my problems is that I over think everything..especially when it comes to my babygirl!
Hopefully by the time we have our second child a few years down the road, I will be able to stay home with both of them! That is mine and Wes's goal..so hopefully the economy will not go into another recession! Wes is a contractor so he got hit pretty hard and set us back a little bit. His business is back in full swing now and once they start finishing all of these houses they are working on we should start getting some more things paid off!
So I guess the reason for writing on this subject is trying to find others struggling with not being the one to keep your babies during the day...I know I am still raising her but I feel like I am missing out on so much (even if she is still sleeping so much during the day). How do you cope with this? What do you do to help you get through your workday without being upset or worrying about her all day??